There is Power in Powerlessness… But Damn If It Doesn’t Hurt

I mentioned “powerlessness” in my last post. That word has pounded my days relentlessly for the last few weeks. Powerlessness hurts. Screaming and yelling and grasping for an element of control that is long gone only brings additional pain and suffering. The inability to believe that you have lost control over something you hold dear is beyond comprehension, and yet there is it… plain as day.

Two things… One, my beloved Elvin has been missing for 16 days. I stare at maps and rack my brain to uncover where he might be. The stretches of streets and homes stare back at me blankly, not giving any clues. I have no power. All I can do is keep stepping forward, keep putting out the word that we have not given up, and keep leaning on the people who so generously offer up a strong shoulder.

Two, I am about to go into labor and have this baby. Don’t worry... no gory details here. Just a simple acknowledgement that I am also powerless in this regard. I cannot determine when or how this baby will arrive. I cannot determine what it will do to my body, how I will get through it, or how hard or easy it will be on the baby. But I can decide to recognize my powerlessness yet again and surrender to the inevitability of time, physical pain, and his imminent arrival.

I know that there are people around the world facing unimaginable loss and suffering, and I don’t pretend to compare my situation to theirs. This is just what I have to offer.

Within powerlessness, there is a choice. Panic or release. I cannot bring a child into the world in a state of panic. So my new word, the only word I have left, is “release”. There is no choice but to release, and this does not mean giving up

I hope with every ounce of my being that Elvin will return home, and I hope that my baby’s arrival brings far more joy than pain. That’s all I can do. Release and wait.

If you want more information on Elvin or on the amazing rescue organization helping us look for him, please visit www.campchaos37206.org.

El eagerly opening his stocking - Christmas morning 2010

Lessons Learned from a Lost Puppy

I have learned a few things in the past nine days since my 11-year-old, baby boy pit bull, Elvin, went missing. I have learned a grief that cannot be articulated. I have learned the art of managing a panic attack at 2 in the morning. I have learned what it means for loss and powerlessness to permeate everything.

Sadly, I have learned that there are people in the world that take pleasure in other people’s pain and in the pain of helpless animals. I have seen the depths of poverty and hopelessness in a city that has largely avoided the worst of this awful recession.

Joyfully, I have learned that my husband is my greatest companion and solace. Though shaken to the depths of sadness as completely as I am, he will not be found anywhere but by my side, loving and sheltering me, our unborn son, and our lost Elvin to the best of his ability.

But the greatest lesson I have learned is that there are kind, concerned, supportive, selfless, and profoundly generous people everywhere I turn… the most surprising of whom, I had never met before. The outpouring of support from the community I live in has been absolutely stunning. The organization of people who love animals and spend every day of every week doing everything they can to protect them in my neighborhood is unlike anything I have ever seen before. Friends and strangers are giving their time and resources day after day, encouraging us to press on and not give up.

Before all of this, I thought my love for animals was verging on bizarre. I thought I was some kind of freak for the way my heart swells at the sound of a thirsty dog lapping eagerly at a clean bowl of water or breaks as I helplessly watch a starving, homeless kitten cowering under a broken down car. I am thrilled this week to learn that I am not alone.

I am humbled by the kindness and compassion of everyone who has stepped up to help us. I have learned that I don’t give enough, and that is about to change. I just want to say thank you. I have no words to express how much it means, but we are blessed to be surrounded by so much love and support. Elvin thanks you too… wherever he is.

Please call 615-228-1130 with info.

More pics and description can be seen at www.campchaos37206.org.

Because It Makes You Feel Better... That's Why.

A few years ago, a dear friend of mine named Michael passed away suddenly in his sleep from an undiagnosed heart defect. He was 38 years old. He had a one year old and a pregnant wife in bed next to him when his heart stopped. He ran 3 to 4 miles daily, ate well, and had an optimistic, low-stress temperament. He was one of the most naturally positive, compassionate, life-affirming people I have ever known. After his funeral, a client of mine - and mutual friend of his - was bereft.

“What’s the point?!” She wanted to know. “What the hell is the point of exercising and eating right all the time when your heart can give out on you any time anyway? Why not just eat what you want and not bother getting all sweaty and exhausted at the gym.” She struggled with her weight and motivation to exercise her whole life and couldn’t see the point anymore. It was a good question; one that I had to think twice about in the haze of such a sudden and heartbreaking loss.

As I considered her question, I had to ask myself, “Would Michael take back his healthy lifestyle if he knew he would pass away so young? Did he do it because he thought it would help him live longer or did he do it because of how it made him feel?” I believe I can safely say that he would not have changed a thing.

Michael would not have preferred to be 20 lbs heavier in exchange for those many hours spent running. He would not have chosen a Big Mac over his grilled fish soft tacos. I’m sure living a long life was part of his motivation, but more than that, the way he took care of himself while he was alive had a profound and immediate impact on the way he felt every day.

Proper diet and exercise habits can certainly extend life for many people, but the point is not longevity. The point is positively influencing how we feel on all of the days that we are alive, how we feel inside of our own skin, how easily we can climb a flight of stairs or get up off of the floor after playing with our puppies/babies.

Exercising and eating right boosts your mood, gives you more energy, helps you sleep better, improves concentration and focus, and increases confidence levels which can directly impact your working and personal life. Of course, being fit also improves your appearance, impacting everything from your muscle tone to your complexion.

Exercise helps us feel better, and isn’t that the point? To feel good? That’s why we do it. Most of us aren’t out there competing in Iron Man Triathalons, and there’s no compelling reason why you should if that’s not your thing. Exercise might help you live a little longer, but that’s a tough thing to remember sometimes when you are choosing between sleeping another hour or getting up to jog around the block.

Move your body because you have one. Use it. Find activities that make you feel good, even if that just means taking a stroll at lunch time. Simple, restorative, energetic activity can improve your quality of life, and if that means living a little bit longer, bring it on.