There is Power in Powerlessness… But Damn If It Doesn’t Hurt

I mentioned “powerlessness” in my last post. That word has pounded my days relentlessly for the last few weeks. Powerlessness hurts. Screaming and yelling and grasping for an element of control that is long gone only brings additional pain and suffering. The inability to believe that you have lost control over something you hold dear is beyond comprehension, and yet there is it… plain as day.

Two things… One, my beloved Elvin has been missing for 16 days. I stare at maps and rack my brain to uncover where he might be. The stretches of streets and homes stare back at me blankly, not giving any clues. I have no power. All I can do is keep stepping forward, keep putting out the word that we have not given up, and keep leaning on the people who so generously offer up a strong shoulder.

Two, I am about to go into labor and have this baby. Don’t worry... no gory details here. Just a simple acknowledgement that I am also powerless in this regard. I cannot determine when or how this baby will arrive. I cannot determine what it will do to my body, how I will get through it, or how hard or easy it will be on the baby. But I can decide to recognize my powerlessness yet again and surrender to the inevitability of time, physical pain, and his imminent arrival.

I know that there are people around the world facing unimaginable loss and suffering, and I don’t pretend to compare my situation to theirs. This is just what I have to offer.

Within powerlessness, there is a choice. Panic or release. I cannot bring a child into the world in a state of panic. So my new word, the only word I have left, is “release”. There is no choice but to release, and this does not mean giving up

I hope with every ounce of my being that Elvin will return home, and I hope that my baby’s arrival brings far more joy than pain. That’s all I can do. Release and wait.

If you want more information on Elvin or on the amazing rescue organization helping us look for him, please visit www.campchaos37206.org.

El eagerly opening his stocking - Christmas morning 2010