How Joan Didion Taught Me to Respect My "Lard Ass" Just the Way It Is

Photo: Brigitte Lacombe, NYmag.com

Joan Didion wrote: 
“Self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth.”  

I hereby raise my right hand, place my left on a first edition copy of Slouching Towards Bethlehem, and declare that this is the gospel truth.  It is possible to break the cycle of self-inflicted trash talk that leaves you beaten and bleeding and nurture a new normal that lifts you up. 

For over a decade, my “habit of mind” was as follows: “Lard ass.  Who do you think you are? Somebody special? Everybody knows you aren’t funny. Nobody wants you at that party anyway - you and your fat ass. Don’t even dream you’ll get through the night without losing your train of thought mid-sentence or inhaling a steaming pile of deep-fried cheese sticks. What a joke. Go home and make love to your couch. You’ll be better off.”

I was a master - a shining example of how to tear yourself down to nothing.  “Skinny” was the goal, and anything short of skinny meant I was a failure.  Being a failure meant I might as well resign myself to stuffing my face with the blinds pulled down every night.  At least I wouldn’t be hungry.  I had it all worked out.

Skinny was my particular objective, but it doesn’t really matter what the unmet goal is.  Everybody has his or her own personal measuring stick – talent, education, fashion – whatever it is, you are convinced you don’t have enough of it.  The deficit lodges in your skull and screams at you.  It is the thing you flog yourself with mercilessly on a daily basis, and everything else in your life suffers because of it.

The happy news is that if you should find yourself in this situation, with a “habit of mind” such as this, by default you have become very skilled at training yourself to believe your own thoughts. You just happen to be choosing destructive ones.  Whether they originated with a parent, a bully at school, an ex-lover, or in your very own mind, you are the one keeping those thoughts alive now. The situation is under your control.

If you’re crazy good at convincing yourself that you suck and you’ve been at it for years, you’re likely pretty persuasive by now.  And if you’re an expert at self-manipulation, there’s no reason you can’t be just as good at convincing yourself that you are perfectly capable of rocking the workout, the dress, the job interview, and the party - all on the same day.

There is a way to “develop, train, and coax” the mind by repeatedly, almost ritualistically, nurturing healthier thoughts and disregarding destructive ones. The first and most important step is to distinguish between the two. Then keep vigil, taking note of the moments when you feel grounded and strong - sustaining those and rejecting unfounded beliefs that reinforce suckiness where no suckiness exists. Reject them as bull-honky because that's what they are.

You would never treat your best friend this way. So why treat yourself worse than you would treat someone you love? Do what you would do for her. Refocus on the positive and the possible.

           

Boosting a positive “habit of mind” requires shaking things up a bit, doing things that make you feel good about yourself or make your heart race. Take a solo trip to Costa Rica for two weeks to learn how to surf. Bring flowers from your garden to a neighbor, or foster a homeless pup. Tell your roommate – once and for all – that it really pisses you off when she steals your parking space and your f*&#ing girl scout cookies.

           

Getting skinny would never have fixed anything for me in and of itself.  I had to change the way I approached the perceived inadequacy. I had to find something productive to do rather than fixating on what I didn't like about myself. I needed to exercise to feel stronger and eat better to clear my head. A decade of trying to get thinner led nowhere but higher on the scale. Bonus – when I finally decided to do some things that made me feel better, I lost weight because I wasn’t busy medicating low self-esteem with food.

I had to learn that skinny chicks don’t possess any more self-respect than fat chicks and that my own dignity should have nothing to do with my weight.  I know skinny-minis who smoke, cry in their cocktails, and spend hours getting ready to go out because they think they look ugly in everything.  And I know voluptuous powerhouses who complete triathlons and eat tomatoes out of their own gardens.  

Self-respect is about taking care of yourself and others, making choices that make you a little better, a little stronger, a little healthier everyday.

As a personal trainer. I hear people all the time pining away for weight loss, love, a better house, a better job – fill in the blank – as days and years pass them by.  Those are fine goals to have, but none of those external things will lead to genuine happiness.  Only self-respect will do that... being someone you can be proud of every day of your life whether or not money, true love, or mini-skirts are in your future.

Joan Didion believes that there is a method - a concrete, tangible way out - and so do I.

Your thoughts are yours. Own them. Coax the good ones forth.